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Radio Daze

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KLDE/107.5 FM, Oldies 107.5 Right now, Oldies is in a request hour and playing "To Sir with Love," which is followed by Santana's "Change Your Evil Ways." All told, this station is almost as bad as the Point. It has an unhealthy obsession with never-had-it bands like Herman's Hermits and Gary Puckett, he of the creepily pedophile-like song catalog ("Young Girl Get Out of My Life," "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon").

12:39 p.m.

KSEV/700 AM, the Voice In Houston, even the medical shows have a conservative slant. Here is Dr. Stephen F. Hotze's Health and Wellness Solutions show, the slogan: "If you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, call us." The good Dr. Hotze isn't in today, but he phones in from Washington and reports on the inaugural. "It was an incredible experience," he enthuses to his proxies. "Bush spoke to the overarching goal of the United States: delivering freedom here and all over the world. There were some protesters there. They sprayed something on the cops and the cops got 'em. It was so exciting!" The night before the inaugural, Hotze says, he had the privilege of dining with Tom DeLay at "a very intimate gathering of about 30 or 40 of us." He also attended the Black Tie and Boots Ball. "Hey," he says to his sub, "have you ever heard of Clay Black?" "Uh, Clint Black? Clay Walker?" the host falters. "Yeah. He was the lead guy there at the Black Tie and Boots Ball. It's so fun up here! We sang the national anthem and 'Faith of Our Fathers!' It was really stirring! I wish y'all could be here!" "We do, too," say the hosts, and you can just tell they mean it. Hotze then talks about Caldwell's benediction. "Reverend Caldwell -- that black preacher from Houston -- did a wonderful job. He said 'in the name of Jesus' and everything! It was powerful, stirring, biblical stuff!" And so on. Frankly I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of it all.

12:53 p.m.

KWWJ/1360 AM, Gospel Gravel-voiced Pastor E.W. Wilcox of the Bible Days Revival Church preaches about love. "There ought to be a hurricane of love in the congregation," he thunders. "You should love even the unlovable." Amen to that, brother!

12:57 p.m.

Q Country Tim McGraw's "Back When" plays. The chorus goes like this: "Back when a hoe was a hoe / Coke was a Coke / And crack's what you were doing / When you were cracking jokes…I miss back when." As for me, I miss the days "back when" Merle Haggard, George Jones, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash and Loretta Lynn saw to it that crap like this wasn't on the radio. Trying to heed Pastor Wilcox's words…trying…trying…I can't do it. Tim McGraw is really unlovable.

12:59 p.m.

The Buzz Ripped-off Hendrix licks usher in Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter." Sounds like the Buzz is trying to give equal time to non-English speakers -- after all these years I still can't understand a word of Eddie Vedder's lyrics.

1:14 p.m.

KHCB/105.7 FM "Encouraging, comforting and teaching 24 hours a day! The KHCB Network!" Blah.

1:23 p.m.

KTRU The Kinks' "Lola" winds down as Ted Leo launches himself into "Under the Hedge." Now that encourages, comforts and teaches me.

1:38 p.m.

KTRH New afternoon host and Houston's would-be Oprah Debra Duncan wants to know if the inauguration cost too much money. She cites all the kids who could have gotten shots, all the Humvees that need armor. "And he's having this huge party. It seemed kinda wrong, but then I saw footage of the White House and Capitol at dawn, and I thought, 'You know what, this is my country.' " And after all, Duncan and a guest add, the Brits foot the bill for infinitely more pageantry. "The royals have cars, planes and castles," Duncan says. What's more, she implies that unlike us Americans, the enslaved peasants in the UK -- no doubt fearing that the queen will have them clapped in the Tower of London -- lack the freedom to even grumble about the opulence of their absolute monarchs. "We're so lucky we live in a country where we can even talk about this," she solemnly intones.

2:28 p.m.

The Voice To hear Bill O'Reilly tell it, you'd think he grew up in a crack house in the South Bronx instead of on Long Island. He blabs on about all the obstacles he has overcome: how his old homies are all working stiffs now, how he had to move all the time, how the "American infrastructure offered [him] a stairwell." "And now I have money and I can do what I want. And I have power -- I've got bad guys terrorized all over the earth. Money I don't care about. I walked away from a lot of money, and that takes…What does it take?"

"This is a family show," his assistant mock-scolds.

"Chutzpah," O'Reilly says. "That's what it takes."

Huh-huh-huh. He said "chutzpah." Heh-heh-heh. That rhymes with "loofah."

2:36 p.m.

The Buzz God-awful modern rock: Breaking Benjamin's "So Cold." "Show me how defenseless you really are," the singer whines to the requisite sludge-tars and whining tool of a singer. It's joyless music full of apelike solemnity, lyrics that are clichéd when they aren't downright stupid, talentless playing and a complete lack of interesting rhythms. The leaden beats really stun me. Where are today's Keith Moons, John Bonhams and Ginger Bakers, hell even a Neil Peart or two? No wonder I've been digging so much hip-hop, reggaetón and cumbia these past few years.

2:39 p.m.

Country Legends Merle Haggard rattles off some of the "things [he] learned in a hobo jungle" and sings "I Take a Lot of Pride in Who I Am." Ah, Hag-dog, take me away.

3:02 p.m.

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