Radio Daze

The Voice To hear Bill O'Reilly tell it, you'd think he grew up in a crack house in the South Bronx instead of on Long Island. He blabs on about all the obstacles he has overcome: how his old homies are all working stiffs now, how he had to move all the time, how the "American infrastructure offered [him] a stairwell." "And now I have money and I can do what I want. And I have power -- I've got bad guys terrorized all over the earth. Money I don't care about. I walked away from a lot of money, and that takes…What does it take?"

"This is a family show," his assistant mock-scolds.

"Chutzpah," O'Reilly says. "That's what it takes."

Huh-huh-huh. He said "chutzpah." Heh-heh-heh. That rhymes with "loofah."

2:36 p.m.

The Buzz God-awful modern rock: Breaking Benjamin's "So Cold." "Show me how defenseless you really are," the singer whines to the requisite sludge-tars and whining tool of a singer. It's joyless music full of apelike solemnity, lyrics that are clichéd when they aren't downright stupid, talentless playing and a complete lack of interesting rhythms. The leaden beats really stun me. Where are today's Keith Moons, John Bonhams and Ginger Bakers, hell even a Neil Peart or two? No wonder I've been digging so much hip-hop, reggaetón and cumbia these past few years.

2:39 p.m.

Country Legends Merle Haggard rattles off some of the "things [he] learned in a hobo jungle" and sings "I Take a Lot of Pride in Who I Am." Ah, Hag-dog, take me away.

3:02 p.m.

KILT-AM, SportsRadio 610 Rich Lord, keen as ever, picks up an interesting irony from The Jim Rome Show. While Rome was interviewing reformed mobster Mike Franzese about the dangers of gambling to youths, the station was running one spot after another for the ESPN poker drama Tilt.

3:07 p.m.

KTRH New KTRH drive-time talk host Chris Baker takes on the Safe-Clear towing controversy. He's against it because he supports property rights and he has compassion for the poor. And then he tears into Councilwoman Toni Lawrence, whom he quoted as saying (paraphrasing here) that those who couldn't afford a tow shouldn't go on the freeway. "That's just drunk with power!" he roars. "Maybe at her next fund-raiser she could just hand out little pieces of cake! We need a political enema in this town." With visions of a giant hose sticking out of the bowels of City Hall dancing in my radio-addled brain, up the dial I went.

3:38 p.m.

KACC/89.7 FM, the Gulf Coast Rocker A hidden gem for lovers of pure, unadulterated rock, Alvin Community College's station follows the Doobies' overfamiliar "China Grove" with the Wallflowers' "Three Marlenas." Nice variety, kids. This is one of those stations that choice-loving preacher could have been talking about. It's good rock radio, full of surprises but not as liable as KTRU to slip into intentionally hideous caterwauling.

3:41 p.m.

KTRU Which is just what they're playing now: some blatting horns around a female "singer." KTRU can be the most frustrating station in town -- you'll hear ten minutes of great stuff, then that will be followed by ten minutes of pompous sub-Yoko Ono avant-garde noise that the DJ thinks will impress some girl in his chemistry class. Then there's the classic mumbling college rock jocks… On hearing one of these guys drone his way through a break a year ago, John Henry Lomax, my then-seven-year-old son, said, "What is with this guy? Is he new?"

3:50 p.m.

KODA/99.1 FM, Sunny 99 "Houston's Official At-Work Station" strikes a rare vein of gold with Stevie Wonder's "You Are the Sunshine of My Life." Nice cut, but the rest of the time Sunny sounds like it was especially formulated by white-coated experts to soothe heavily medicated inmates at a hospital for the criminally insane. And to think, right now this is the No. 1-rated station in Houston! Kinda makes me nervous.

4:20 p.m.

KPFT Much of KPFT's local programming has been preempted today in favor of syndicated inaugural coverage from other Pacifica stations. Now we're with KPFK out of Los Angeles. There's a phone interview with investigative reporter Greg Palast. "Most Americans know he was lying, and they're okay with that," he says scornfully. "This election was not about American bravery -- it was about American cowardice. We were all scared that someone would come over here and get us, or worse, that boys would kiss boys."

4:31 p.m.

The Arrow The alphabetical rock-a-thon has reached the T's, and thus we get Cream's "Tales of Brave Ulysses." With 18 hours to go, I feel that beleaguered Greek's pain. Tiny purple fishes are running laughing through my fingers, too.

5:17 p.m.

KPRC A guy rings in from Oregon and tells syndicated right-wing snarler Michael Savage that he is shocked by what the gays in Portland are getting away with. Boys kissing boys! "I'm appalled by what I see here," he says. "Homosexuals are out to destroy themselves and the entire human race!" "Gays have every right to destroy themselves if they want to," Savage says -- mildly, by his standards. "The problem is, AIDS has a high social cost." Immediately after that, KPRC plays an ad for an AIDS walk the station is sponsoring. Give Savage time -- he'll get angrier.