Radio Daze

7:22 a.m.

The Voice Newish morning host Edd Hendee is evidently a Savage Nation fan. He too plays the Berg sound bites and then calls Berg "a pathetic, broken man."

7:31 a.m.

KCOH Ever the contrarian, where other stations have a morning zoo, KCOH has this, a talk show segment about death sponsored by a mortuary.

7:46 a.m.

The Arrow Dean and Rog are discussing the bizarre story of the pregnant woman who hopped in the back of her truck just as it was being repossessed, and then went into labor. They throw open the phones -- the first caller says that you have the right to shoot a repo man if you catch him taking your car. Thankfully, the second caller sets him -- and all of Houston -- straight.

8:14 a.m.

KRBE Urgent Paris Hilton updates! Paris got on a fire station's radio and cussed! Paris stole a copy of her sex tape from some guy! Paris's e-mail was hacked, and boy is she pissed! "She cares more about her e-mail being hacked than about the whole world seeing her do the nasty!" a host marvels.

8:20 a.m.

KTSU The usual Friday fare: excellent soul and funk oldies. Though I'd rather hear Hugh Masekela's original of "Grazin' in the Grass" and not the inferior vocal version they spin, they follow it with some deep-catalog Curtis Mayfield. Fridays on KTSU are some of the best programming on the dial all week.

8:27 a.m.

KTRU As a service for the blind, a stern-voiced man reads the Houston Chronicle aloud.

8:39 a.m.

SportsRadio 610 Texans General Manager Charley Casserly is engaging in rapier-sharp repartee with morning hosts John Granato and Lance Zierlein. Casserly says the Texans are looking to fill some holes in the defense in the upcoming NFL draft. "If you play good defense, you'll be a better team," Granato says. "Yep," Casserly agrees. "If the other guys don't score, they can't win…There's some real wisdom for you this morning." Maybe I'm just delirious, but this strikes me as the funniest thing I've heard in the last 22-and-a-half hours.

8:42 a.m.

KIKK-A** Talk Stern divulges that James Brown plans to have his dream ass surgically installed on his wife. Every time he says "ass," a producer plays a fart noise.

8:45 a.m.

KPRC Local host Pat Gray is talking to a correspondent embedded with the marines in Iraq. The correspondent says the bad Iraq news is coming from a sensationalist media. Mayhem sells, he says, even on Fox News. The truth, he says, is that "We are winning, there will be an election, and the roads are passable." Grievously wounded Sugar Land marine corporal Casey Owens is put on the line. He sounds awkward and tongue-tied, and as Gray and the correspondent fawn over him, he sounds like he'd rather be talking to his fellow marines.

9:27 a.m.

The Voice Rock-ribbed conservative pundit Laura Ingraham -- possessor of perhaps the unloveliest voice in radio -- plays a tape of a shrill liberal woman organizing fellow lefties at the inaugural. "Boy, she really has that warmth you look for," Ingraham says. Pot, meet kettle.

9:33 a.m.

KCOH Morning host Michael Harris is playfully engaged in a KCOH perennial: the division of light- and dark-skinned blacks. "If you take a look at a big ol' hunk o' chocolate like me and say, 'Yeah," he tells a female caller, "I'll say, 'Wassup, baby!' "

9:50 a.m.

KPFT On Democracy Now!, Cindy Sheehan, whose son was killed in Iraq, is at a rally tearing into the Bush administration. "While these people party, there will be more bloodshed," she says. "Millions of people are in harm's way." Just another example of Savage's pathetic, broken human refuse, I guess.

10:02 a.m.

Oldies 107.5 At last, Oldies is spinning something I like: the Captain and Tennille's "Love Will Keep Us Together." I will! I will! I wiii-iilllll be done with this in 15 minutes!

10:09 a.m.

The Mix "Save me from this prison, Lord help me get away." So runs the first line of Los Lonely Boys' "Heaven." What better broadcast to end on than this? I quit. So it was eight minutes early. Sue me.

So Houston radio -- does it suck or what? Well, yes and no. The Anglo-oriented rock stations -- the Arrow when it's not in a promotion, the Buzz, Oldies 107.5 and the Point -- are all terrible, it's true. And so are Q Country and KILT.

One reason why is that our city is so huge and so scattered. If you own a radio station, where do you put your transmitter? Unless yours is one of the precious few powerful blowtorch signals, you can't cover the city. Put it on the far northwest side and you lose Clear Lake; put it down south and you lose the northern suburbs. And if you cater too much to the burbs, you lose the sophisticates inside the Loop.

And make no mistake, Houston radio is all about the burbs. National radio consultants come down here, host their focus groups and determine that we are a bunch of rustic SUV-driving simpletons begging to hear more Sting, more Sade, more Chesney, more Yes and more Nickleback clones. We don't want to be challenged by new music -- leave that to the cool kids in Austin and L.A. We don't want to hear rap and rock side by side. What we want is radio that looks like our neighborhood: a deed-restricted, master-planned, cul-de-sac'd purgatory where nothing bad happens but nothing much else does either. Meanwhile, satellite radios positively fly off the shelves back here as people walk away from the whole mess.